Serious

I warn you. I'm blogging angry. Yes, that's right. Chipper, hyper, happy Hannah has gone...now you see the green eyed beast. 

A few moments ago I made the grave mistake of opening the full view page of an article on the Yahoo! homepage. (this rarely ends well) The story was about a Mexican mother of 4 that is pregnant with 9 babies (supposedly). Okay, first of all, this alleged pregnancy is result of an obvious abuse of scientific power by a quack gone IVF-happy that used to be called a doctor. The mother, father, and 4 older-siblings-to-be live with the parents/in-laws/grandparents or whatever they are, I believe they are the parents of the father of the 9...or 13... you follow I'm sure. The father is some type of tire maintenance person or mechanic of some sort, and he doesn't make much money. The mother has cried out for assistance from their community. COME ON!!!! Really? 

Here is what I want to know: 

1) How do low income families of 6+ afford IVF?

2) Who told this woman it was a good idea to try for more kids? Or rather, who stood by and said nothing?

3) How could anyone [husband/in-laws/friends] be so much of an enabler as to have allowed for an environment that would promote even the inkling of such an absurd idea??? 

This all makes me very angry. Some of you know why. But let me give a little background.

I am an almost 26 year old. I have been married for almost 6 years. I have been begging God, my husband, and anyone else I see (meaning people that have their own kids that may let me have one. I know, not likely and not really acceptable, but it can't hurt to ask...) for a baby for 4 years now...give our take a years...more on the give side. I've known when my pleading wasn't really realistic, because we lived in apartments on military salary and so on...but we have been in a place where it would be more than okay to conceive for about 2 years now. And yet.........................nothing. 

I know we aren't the normal scenario, what with my sporadic hormonal cycle (<--- trying not to embarrass any boys reading this), and the amount of abstinence in our marriage due to jobs that keep us apart almost as much as we are together. I know that our situation means that we are a lot less likely to conceive than the average couple...and that we will most likely have to resort to some form of fertility treatment or adoption or both...I have accepted this (or so I tell myself) and usually it doesn't get to me like it is today. But today, as I mentioned before, I'm ANGRY!

I'm angry at the stupid 15 year old dummies that get "knocked up" because they don't understand how it all works. I'm angry at the cute little couples that get pregnant the first time they have sex...on their honeymoon. I'm angry, obviously, at the idiots around the world that don't deserve and sometimes don't even want children and yet have them...over and over and over...it's like some of these people are rabbits. Really? Is your gestation period 30 days or does time really pass this quickly??

I know I'm breaking all the rules and being a very bad Christian at this point. But I'm not going to lie or pretend. More than anything, I'm mad at God. I know He has some grand plan for my life and He knows best and He knows when and where and how and why I will eventually have a child to love...but I'm just ANGRY that it isn't right here, right now. You know? I'm either already there or dangerously close to becoming bitter. I refuse to believe I am meant to be heartbroken every time I take a pregnancy test. I know I wouldn't want this so badly if I wasn't meant to have it. I don't believe God would have given me the maternal desires I have if I weren't supposed to be a mother. I don't understand why I have to wait and wait and keep on waiting. 

I watch so many of my friends and family having kids or adopting kids or getting pregnant left and right...and I don't begrudge a single one of you, I'm so happy for all of you and I know that every one of your children are blessing not only in your life but also in mine and I love them all. And I love you all.

I don't even know what else to say. I can hardly see my computer because I'm crying. This is stupid, probably a mistake, but I guess I finally have had enough. 

So, until I read another worthless book or watch another grand movie and can talk about how excited I am about some fictional world....................................